Quick disclaimer, not looking to lose friends over this, I know it’s a “passionate” subject…If you don’t agree let’s keep it respectful, just sharing my thoughts on all the hoopla. If I’m misguided, let me know. Or convince me why I should get into this and maybe I will! I get my “spice” from my meatball making but heck I’ll try pretty much anything once if you sway me enough.

Now before I get blasted by all the young “milfs” and older “cougars” out there who are diving into this modern mommy porn just like all these other “Bachelor” / “Real Housewives” / soap operas, hear me out. Is this a fantasy escape for pure fun as harmless as any other guilty indulgence like that occasional devil’s food cake or is this the devil’s work as a friend of mine calls it, trying to hypnotize and seduce women into believing that in 2015 the dream date should have handcuffs and whips?  I prefer IDTV, “Shark Tank” and my Italian American cookbooks and stories. I’d rather enter my kids WWE world and “Spongebob” over this.

So let me start by saying I have never read one page of the “Fifty Shades” books, nor do I plan to. But of course I heard all the hype and visited the websites opposing the series, along with its upcoming first feature film release. From what my research tells me, the recurring stories revolves around a man named Christian, a successful, young entrepreneur who cannot have “normal” relationships with women, but rather just like all his other possessions, views a woman as exactly that. A thing. A thing to be controlled in every area—especially the bedroom where he apparently has a “red room of pain.” My wife never really gets into “pop culture” stuff and said she had no desire at all for this kind of thing, so I was surprised to see her reading it one night on her I-Pad. (Incidentally, she’s about to turn 30 and the target demographic is married women 30 and up). Now she is a fan and a defender of the book and even said if she wasn’t with me she may actually be seeking out her own Christian type. Was she for real or joking? Hmmm….I had to learn more.

I have no idea if it’s true, but according to the wiki page and several sites, taking the BDSM aside for a moment, stalking, intimidation, and isolation are also recurring themes in the books, and that these are (cautionary?) tales of a relationship containing emotional abuse and sexual violence—not a consensual arrangement of two people fulfilling each other’s needs (which in itself is not normal by my opinion—this is me talking). Therapists concluded if you remove the erotic content, the “power” concept of a man having total control of everything speaks to a woman’s underlying insecurities and other unaddressed issues which prevent her from feeling safe and secure in a normal give and take relationship where a man would lead in certain areas and the woman in others. Whoa…are we talking about works of fiction or is there genuine concern that life is going to imitate art? That was the worry about “The Interview” with the whole North Korea angle. I just caught that on Neflix and thought it was damn funny, but I digress.

OK is this all serious stuff with all these boycotts and protests and doctors giving their thoughts….or……. are we just taking it too serious?

A friend (female) posted a thread on facebook about how she had no interest in this craze and it got quite a bit of comments, for and against. Of course I had to reply and weigh in and from a man’s perspective from all that I’ve heard this is all nothing more than pornographic trash with a depressing and disturbing back story. The fact so many women are so openly promoting their intense interest in it without a stitch of shame is really strange. To me, it shows a decline in true values and morals on the woman’s side when it comes to relationship desires. What a long way from the romance novels and fairy tales chicks used to dig—ruby slipper replaced with leather masks it seems…

I will reiterate, I didn’t read the books but let’s face it, the entire reason for the popularity all go back to the strong sexual situations. On the surface you got this male character who is rich, good looking, etc. and his secure ways in his life is I suppose the initial attraction to this younger girl? But, of course it’s all just a disguise to fulfill the reverse dominatrix bedroom activity. I’m no prude, but I’m not into the pain equals pleasure game on either side. I just think it makes real guys look bad and makes women look like desperate servants, slaves even. That’s no love story.

And even if I was into some kinky whatever, I would not be personally ranting and raving about it... Whether I was single or married… What happened to keep that sh!t where it belongs, it don’t belong in the “main stream.” But….nothing is taboo anymore.

Look, if there were popular books and movies for dudes about this kind of thing, us drooling over let’s say a rich older lady who dominated her young boy toy inside and outside of the bedroom.....geez.... it would be like what the hell, leave it for your own personal life or your porno fantasy...The way this is embraced and encouraged is just real odd. Leaves me scratching my head how this twisted stuff is supposed to be sexy or normal. I get the fact that of course a lady wants to be taken care of but the guy seems to be a total jerk the way he is described. Doesn’t that get old? Is man providing woman luxuries worth her looking worthless?

Hey I don’t drive my own helicopter or buy million dollar gifts so that means I can’t be the “house master,” so no chance at this arrangement in my home... But I don’t think this Christian likes to joke around or cuddle either. Or vacuum. Or put his hands in a bowl of meatball mix. I’m starting to sound like Tony Danza in “Who’s the Boss” but you know what...that’s an arrangement I could roll with. More on classic sitcoms later…

I don’t like any trendy stuff today from this to the “Twilight” fad... Just weird to me what is now “sexy.” When I was in high school the girls all thought the Leonardo DiCaprio character from “Titanic” was the ideal man...Yes of course he was great looking, but he was not rich or high class, what was important was his character. We have veered quite a long way from there to all this. It’s almost as if today the message is for the woman to stay with the guy DiCaprio rescued Kate Winslet from. With all his charm and genuine caring attitude despite the fact he was basically a good-hearted drifter, he won her over and got her away from that rich dominating type who yes was in total control of the bills—but was also a flat out jerk who basically had his woman under lock and key. She couldn’t think for herself, talk for herself, or do anything. Is that the trade-off? See ladies infatuated with the “man in control” ideal need a reality check that most of the time—a man like that is not also going to be her sweet prince—he is going to be a jerk. But more importantly, in 2015, it’s supposed to be a team effort even if the man is still viewed as the head of the household. Especially when you have children. There’s a middle ground between a man making all the decisions, it’s not healthy for total domination or submission on either side. Both parties have their talents to showcase and lead with them in various areas—that kind of well-rounded balance is what kids need to see. Now there’s no kids usually in romance novels and certainly none in either “Titanic” or “Fifty.”

Of course while the sinking ship was real, the love story side was fictionalized. Just as “Fifty” is fictional. But the problem I see is that for some wacky reason, far too many women today are somehow being brainwashed into thinking this is the perfect guy to yearn to be with. The other problem is you can’t take the sexual perversion stuff out of it because that’s what makes it borderline x-rated. Whatever one wants to do behind closed doors is their business, but all indications are the reason this is so mainstream unlike say, a porno, is the plot. What the plot clearly seems to indicate is that the “pay-off” for this Christian’s gifts in courting the female lead is this “rough sex.” That’s his only reward where it should be love. Sure even that can get mundane sometimes when you get caught up in day to day work and activities but a good guy will leave room for fun. It’s all about balance. And any relationship doctor would tell you experimenting with new things adds fun in the bedroom if all parties are willing, but when any one activity goes overboard and becomes the ONLY way to fulfil oneself, in our out of the bedroom…well, then it goes from occasional escapes to daily obsessions. Which speaks of personal issues unrelated to the matter at hand in such studies. A “red room of pain” seems to be extreme to me. Don’t readers agree? Or do they minimize that part because he lavishes his dates with caviar and diamonds?

As I said several times, this is a work of fiction, and if it’s just “entertainment,” I guess what more can I say? I am NOT for censorship in any forum. It just bothers me that it’s taken so seriously and as I’ll reiterate, I think it gives a real distorted view on what’s important in relationships and shows men in a bad light. Look, the old romance novels with Fabio on the cover or Disney fairytales are no more realistic. But the prince never used handcuffs or whips and chains on the princess to get her into submission by night. And the lady was propped up on a pedestal, not bowing at his feet by day.

The dynamic of a man and woman come in multiple forms, there is no one set ideal. This has been showcased in every song, book, TV show, movie, and everywhere else from the beginning of time. One of my favorite depictions comes in the sitcom of “Full House” between John Stamos (Jesse) and Lori Loughlin (Becky). Hey, call me corny or simple or whatever but I’ve seen every episode of that show multiple times and have examined their dynamic closely. They parallel me and my wife very much, episode after episode. Jesse was basically a hard-working guy who yearned to be a rockstar, he messed up a lot but you always knew where his heart was. Becky had her own thing, she was a career woman, and though he was threatened by it at times, she always showed he was number one. They genuinely seemed to both want and need each other—they each filled each other’s gaps to create something special through the good and bad.

Now of course life is not a sitcom either, but what I’m trying to say is, everyone has different ideas of what reflects a healthy relationship situation. I will never tell anyone how to live their life or what they should “feel” is perfect. But remember, in any case, there is no such thing as perfect. I think the prevailing thought in a relationship is that if you can genuinely enjoy more good than bad over the years and always have love and care for your mate even if you don’t always like their choices or even like them, well, you’d have to rate that as a success. Communication, compromise and respect all must be implemented to attain that flow. Along with a level of both independence and collaboration. Balance and moderation. It’s give and take and outside circumstances will always throw wrenches into things but should not change your character if you are committed. It should never be about any “arrangements” or fantasies or anything else—on any level. That’s not reality. Reality is reality.

I’m no doctor or counselor, I’m not even a movie or book critic. I’m a husband and father, no my life’s not perfect…I just like to get my escape and entertainment in more wholesome stuff which is not what “Fifty” looks like from the outside. But the only reason I’m even addressing and acknowledging it is because of all the hype and the blogs and facebook threads where I see this as not just another book or movie. To me it seems like some kind of mind control phenomenon that’s trying to take things off the pages and screen and into the real world by attempting to make sexual sadism sexy. All disguised under the cloak of a suit-wearing alpha-male who does not hold a woman to be an object of affection but rather just another object.

Am I off base? Should I be concerned this could affect my marriage? Will this just fizzle out or will it be a worldwide long-lasting craze like Harry Potter?

FANS OF “FIFTY,” DO I GOT IT ALL WRONG?

COMMENTS WELCOMED.